An Insight Into My Thoughts

The future is unthinkable. It can be unpredictable for everyone, but particularly living with a chronic illness; it creates huge anxiety. One day I can be fine and the next in hospital needing oxygen. How do I know what tomorrow will hold?

How will I cope with the inconsistency of my health? Will I get over this exhaustion? Will I be able to get back to full time studying and working? Will I ever achieve my goal of becoming a teacher? I don’t want to be one of those people who can’t work and who relies on others income to survive. I don’t want to be useless, or a waste of space. I want to be a role model, someone who children look up to. My children, my nieces and nephews, my students; I want them all to look up to me. But how can I do that like this? This isn’t someone who’s a role model. I’m not someone to look up to.

Will I ever get over my anxiety of driving? How will I learn to drive when concentrating is so hard? I want to drive. I know it will make life easier, but my brain is too overactive to focus on driving. I don’t really like buses, but I wouldn’t get anywhere without them. Public transport is good, but would driving be better for me?

How do my family tolerate me? Do they secretly think I’m making this all up? Attention seeking? Do they really understand what’s going on? They ask me questions, but are they really aware of how I’m feeling and the true reality of what this illness is causing. I don’t want to lie to them, but telling them the truth is hard.

Why does my boyfriend love me? How can he love me? I rely on medications and nebulisers. I rely on him. He does everything for me from small things like getting me water, to big things like driving 150 miles to save me in the middle of a mental and physical health breakdown. Does he know I love him? I want to live with him and have an amazing life of experiences. I want to be able to love him wholeheartedly every day. I want us to travel the world together and create memories and do spontaneous things. I want to be free of every worry. I want to be happy.

Will I ever be comfortable within myself again? I’ve lost all of my confidence, robbed of any self-love. I need to get back some appreciation of how amazing my body is for coping with this all, but it’s not that easy. I feel uncomfortable everywhere, even in my own home and my own body. I’m not the same person as I used to be and I feel out of place. I want to rediscover who I am.

Will I be well enough to live the most amazing experience of carrying a baby? To teach it right from wrong, to nurture it through childhood? Or will I be too ill and will my body just not be strong enough.  I want to have children and provide them with a loving atmosphere to grow up in. Will I be able to be there for them? I want them to be able to turn to me in their darkest days and I want to be there for them for as long as possible.

Is my health in a stable place? How long will it be until I start declining again? I’m in an okay state. I want to focus on doing everything to make sure I keep out of hospital. Take pills, do nebulisers, physio; How many years can my body cope with this? I want to reach so many milestones. Will I get a chance to get married, or will my illness stop me? Will I live life to my full potential; Achieve everything I want? I hope so.


Ky x

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