I recently feel like I’ve had to face up to some reality and after reading an article this morning, something really hit me hard.
‘Fake it until you make it doesn’t work with chronic illness. Instead fake it until you have a flare, or even worse, fake it until you flare and continue faking it until you’re hospitalised.’
This felt a little like a punch in the gut, purely because I feel guilty of this. I am guilty of this.
Yet as much as I feel guilty of this, how do you balance the guilt of also feeling like letting others down by putting yourself first?
I’ve never been a selfish person, and I hope that will never change. So how do I learn to separate the feeling of selfishness to the feeling of doing what’s right for myself? (If you know the answer pls let me know 😂)
This whole theme has come about as for the first time, I’ve felt like I’m in over my head. Working a full time job and balancing a slightly debilitating health condition is nothing but exhausting and I’m feeling it.
On the other hand, working a full time job is the only thing left of normality and is keeping my sanity.
So that poses another question of what actually is best for me. Is it taking a step back but doing less of what I love, or continuing what I love at the risk of my health?- another question I am yet to answer for myself!
In spite of all the questions, I think this is the first time accepting that something needs to change and that’s immediately a step forward.
Talking about my health is something I always struggle with and will always struggle with, as it’s opening up my vulnerabilities and admitting to others that I’m struggling.
There will always be parts which I don’t share and I am 100% guilty of downplaying things, but I trust that the people who know me best, know me enough to know when I need to take a step back and that, I am grateful for.
So my takeaway thought from today’s ramble is that sometimes putting your own needs first is hard but necessary. I’m going to try my best to take this advice and I hope you do too 🙂