It’s Okay to Feel a Little Lost (Day60)

It’s day 134/365; for 60 of those days I have been in isolation and 12 of those days were spent in hospital. I have been at work for only 27 full days and 7 half days since January 1st.

This year has been a write off for me so far.

Being in hospital at the beginning of the year had already been enough nothingness to handle, but little did I know much deeper levels of boredom would be on the near horizon.

I feel I am now at the point where I have completely exhausted most options of things to do to keep myself busy and that’s far from ideal in my situation.

With schools making announcements for upcoming returns, I am still shielding until the end of June regardless and therefore this probably means I won’t return to work properly until September. For me, this is a huge punch in the gut.

I think that it’s okay that I am feeling a little lost at this time. I know for a fact that there are so many people in the same shoes, so a little bit of bewilderment is okay. I am an individual who thrives under a fast pace, slightly pressured, busy environment. This lockdown is the complete opposite of that. 

I am keeping positive most of the days but I think that another 3 1/2 months of this is a little bit daunting for me. I like to learn and help others and interact with real-life humans. I am not really getting any escape from my 4 walls and it’s hard.

The thing I miss the most is obviously seeing family and friends, but also the presence of little people; my niece, nephew, and the children who I support at work. I miss the random things that come out of their mouths and the smiles that they give you. I miss being a role model and waking up with the purpose to make their day a little bit better. I miss the joy that little kids radiate.

I am trying to hold on to the tiny ounce of hope that it will be safe for me to return to the real world soon, but I know that isolating is what is best for me right now. 

I can’t even begin to understand the people who are still continuing with life as if there is nothing going on in the world; it’s almost as if some people don’t understand what a pandemic is or what it causes. Yes, there are new rules in place surrounding what you can and can’t do, but I’m really not sure that it’s the right time to be announcing to the world to have picnics and sunbathe on park benches. But who am I to say this?

And finally, for all the people saying this is natural selection, just stop. You’re not Darwin. 

Sending positive vibes to you all! Ky x

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