Finding the motivation to get up seems harder than normal at the moment. Knowing that my day is pointless and wasted before it’s even happened. I lay in bed for hours each day, analysing every worry and everything I’ve done wrong, from tiny insignificant things from years ago, to big changes that have occurred recently. My day is consumed by worries.
Every night (when I’m supposed to be sleeping), I think about how tomorrow will be better and that good things are coming, but every day I fail to make the changes which will make today better. Not because I don’t want to, and not because I can’t be bothered, but because I don’t currently possess the tools within myself to do things which challenge me. I have the intention to be better and I wish it was that easy, but it’s not. My brain has the ability to overwrite any inch of positivity and with every goal I set in my head, there are a dozen reasons why I can’t achieve that goal. So, I don’t bother trying. I don’t want to fail and I’m scared to fail. I’ve already failed enough recently and small mistakes are turning into huge failures. It’s okay to scream and cry and be angry, but not every day. It’s not okay to let every emotion and every opportunity turn into a negative one.
My thought patterns are unhelpful and create a lot of worries that shouldn’t be worries. I’m 20 years old, I shouldn’t have to be worrying about if I’m going to faint when going out by myself, or if people think I’m disgusting. My brain amplifies every small possible problem into huge anxieties; anxieties which then seem too big to even attempt the original task.
I would like for tomorrow to be different, but realistically I know it probably won’t be. Progress is a gradual process which takes time, but I have to learn to give myself the best help to achieve. I need to reintroduce some routine. I’m lost without it and days are turning into a blur. I should get up before 12, do more than just sit in bed all day and I need to start appreciating life. I should eat 3 meals a day and stop feeding my body full of comfort food. I need to nourish myself in order to flourish into the person I want to become. I need to learn to start helping myself.