Any type of illness can put a strain on your perception of yourself. Goals are pushed to one side and everything becomes medically focussed. Achievement is limited and smalls tasks to others are now huge tasks for you. It can change the way you see yourself.
My thoughts about myself are so negatively focussed as I know my health is holding me back and if it wasn’t for physical decline, I could be capable of so much more. Illness is an enemy. Because of how I see myself, I sometimes loathe the person I am. I can’t complete things to the best of my ability anymore and it feels less than okay. I feel worthless and like anything I was ever good at has been pulled away from beneath me. My perception of myself has changed.
The feeling of not being able to do things is horrible. It takes a real toll on self-worth, in a way that it becomes hard to carry out daily tasks in fear of not actually being able to do them; losing confidence in yourself and your abilities. I’m scared to do things, in fear of coming to terms with my bodies inabilities. I know that being anxious is no way to live, but it’s a barrier my brain can’t seem to break through at the moment. I can’t visualise myself being capable of doing things, which reinforces the lazy perception of myself. As I’m beginning to look towards returning to a small part-time job, this mentality is holding me back and preventing me from having the confidence to apply. I’m scared of failure.
In reality, I know I’m not worthless. Good things will come and days will be better. Just because I can’t work/study right now, it doesn’t mean that all potential is lost; there’s nothing stopping me from putting plans on hold. As difficult as it may be, I know I have limitations at the moment and I can’t throw my progress down the drain.
As a little side note, I did manage to drive a car for the first time yesterday and anyone who relates to driving anxiety will know how hard the first moves are. So here’s to the tiny positives 🙂