Not Quite How I Expected…

I’m sat awake in the middle of the night writing this. I’m tired but my mind won’t switch off.

I thought I was ready and prepared for the real world again but I was very wrong. Even with all the restrictions and adaptations, I feel so uncomfortable and out of place. It’s kind of like a gut feeling that something isn’t right and I shouldn’t be out of my bubble.

Numbers are rising rapidly again and people have come up with a multitude of theories why (many of which are complete garbage!) I wish I too believed this was a government hoax or pure scaremongering- I think it would be easier to think that way!

Instead I feel guilty. I feel guilty that all of the things put in place to keep me safe by family, work and friends just don’t feel like enough again. I thought I’d be comfortable and I believed having some normality back would be a positive step. But I feel more dread than before and I am utterly underwhelmed by what I thought would feel so comforting.

I continue to support my opinion and strongly believe that unless you are in the shoes of a vulnerable person or have people you care about who are extremely vulnerable, you don’t have as much fear over the virus and therefore are not as compliant with restrictions.

I’ve now woken up the next morning and I just feel sad. I’m sad that I can’t do my normal job, I’m sad that everything feels so awkward and uncomfortable and I’m just sad that we are more than likely heading for a second wave which will not be handled the same as the first.

COVID cases are higher than when we went into lockdown and that doesn’t sit right with me. Yes, deaths are lower but that’s because it’s healthy people breaking rules and getting sick. What happens when they pass it on to vulnerable family members who are continuing to shield despite the lack of guidance and honesty currently given by the government?

I feel so confused about what’s right and with such a current lack of guidance for the vulnerable, I don’t know what’s right.

Today I am having infinite amounts of chocolate and working from my duvet and that’s okay. We can’t be positive ALL the time. Hope everyone else is okay 💗

Ky x

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