To my lungs; I sometimes think I owe you an apology,
You have fallen down a rabbit hole which perhaps could have been avoided.
For all the times I brushed off an infection as nothing serious, when I needed to be in hospital,
And the times I pushed you to your limits when I needed to rest.
For all of the second hand smoke inhaled without being removed from the situation,
And to all the times I’ve made you heal yourselves from infection.
Having to adjust to pain levels which a year ago seemed so far out of sight,
Kind of feeling like living some weird double life where people don’t understand how I can be so ill and look so fine.
Wallowing in self pity everyday would be so easy to do but so hard to live with,
But when I’m in my own home I rest a lot; my energy is consumed by the things that keep me happy and sane.
I take medication to make me a functioning human and to feel as good as you feel when you have flu in the winter,
But it allows me to be human and to do the things I enjoy.
Nights are hard and sleep is near on impossible when there’s a tickle at the base of your lungs that’s so stubborn it keeps you coughing for hours, pulling at muscles.
Fatigue levels so powerful you can barely keep your head up and your eyes open;
The foot shaking and fiddling that appears as a reaction and distraction to pain,
And the countless hours of frustration over why it always feels like taking steps backwards.
The strange feeling of adapting to medical devices in the body and getting further away from what use to feel like normality,
Facing decisions that shouldn’t need to be decided or pre planned, especially at such a young age.
Learning new personal boundaries and how to say no to things that I never used to hesitate saying yes to
And accepting that this is what life is now
Life has thrown some hurdles my way recently but I’m feeling optimistic for the long term outcome. I hope everyone remains well in these uncertain times and an update will be coming soon. Stay safe 💗